I want to have your abortion
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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