I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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