mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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