i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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