I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dignity is for republicans.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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