my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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