you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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