Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
