Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
