What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I think a kid would responsible me up
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
