Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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