I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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