You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Randomize
