Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
