Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
