I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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