So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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