I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I am available for nakedness
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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