i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
