so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
