i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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