I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
