You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
