At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
