Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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