well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
So squirting runs in the family.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
