i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
