I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
