you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
