I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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