I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
