Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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