If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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