so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
