DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
