Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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