A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize