i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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