Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
