u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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