Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
