girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
