pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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