yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
