Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize