You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
