Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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