is your mom at the bar?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
