Your dad touched me again.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
