I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
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