No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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