I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
