The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
im holly from the hills drunk
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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