So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
