I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
