i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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